The truth is, I’ve been in a bad mood for weeks.
Waking up with an inexplicable crossness each morning, as if there were two sides to my bed and it was even possible to have a ‘wrong side’. And if I’m not angry, I’m sad, and tired. Can’t open my eyes, can’t wake up, can’t get going – don’t want to. I’m a person who wakes up and leaps out of bed, but lately, I feel as though I could sleep for days. Never a daysleeper, now I want to crawl under my desk for an afternoon nap, collapse onto the sofa and curl into a ball.
Monday morning. And yeah, I love Mondays, I truly do. Back to the studio, full of ideas for the week, making my list, planning my week. This morning though? Meh.
Let’s forget work for the moment. Instead – two cards, from Thea’s Tarot – a new deck I’m just getting to know.
I use my two-card cross: problem + solution.
All quoted text is from She Is Sitting in the Night: Revisioning Thea’s Tarot by Oliver Pickle, recently published by Metonomy Press.
Cup Amazon + Ace of Wands
Problem: Cup Amazon.
This card allows the restless energy of the Amazon to be directed towards an exploration of the inner world.
For the past month, that’s been the aim. To centre; specifically to heart-centre. Acknowledging the usual by-pass that happens within me – the gut idea straight to the logical brain and then – action. I wanted to re-wire, to re-route via the heart. To get that water, that heart, those cups, right there in the mix.
I’m seeing a herbalist at the moment. Co-incidentally (or rather, not,) I’ve been taking a particular concoction for one month, designed to cool that fire and re-route my energy via my heart. To slow me down so I can feel what I’m feeling – the good and the bad in there together. This is a process, month one in a process. Emotions are swirling. I’m angry, sad, tired. I feel resistant, I want to quit.
It may not be a blank stare – it could be a dreamer’s gaze. It could also be an internal gaze.
The Amazon corresponds to the Knight in traditional decks. A person without the maturity to handle their suit – so all or nothing, obsessive. Unready. It’s not so much that I don’t need water, as that I don’t know how to work with it when I do get it.
Solution: Ace of Wands.
Seriously? A re-birth of the very element I’m working to overcome, to control?
Sometimes people are scared of fire’s symbolism, but if you pull this card, it’s going to hit you whether you fear it or not. In fact, the card is suggesting that you open yourself up to it, because it is going to come rushing at you: the roar of a wild new relationship, an idea finally cracking into reality, your ardour for life revived.
As I read those words, I tear up. That’s the familiar energy I miss, the way I love to be, the way I get shit done. I gaze at the figure on the Ace of Wands, eyes closed, dancing, gull of flame and potential – and I think ‘I want you back’.
She is ready for things, and they are just pouring in, calling for her to grab onto them. She is strong and aware, and full of passion, but also open to change. She has faith that things will work out and is not afraid of what will happen next.
Yep, this is just a teeny tiny bad mood Monday morning reading. But the insight is clear and helpful. This heart-centring process and the emotions it’s bringing up is good, but I’m nowhere near able to handle things yet. This is a process and I’m still immature. In typical Knight (Amazon) fashion, I’ve been black and white about it – taking away the fire that fuels me in the hope of becoming more in touch. But fire is part of who I am.
I spoke to the herbalist, we talked through much of what’s been coming up this month. A tweak to my mixture so as not to quell the fire. I’m comforted. It’s okay to feel this way, Meanwhile, keep breathing, keep paying attention. Slowing down doesn’t have to mean grinding to a halt.
I’m a 30-something writer, artist, tarot reader, and perpetual explorer of the space between thought, feeling, and action.
I believe that spirituality and ritual are for everybody. I’m about the journey, in all of its messy, non-linear, chaotic iterations. I am excited by anticapitalist business and living with my whole entire self present. I use tarot cards to bring forth hidden truth, and ritual to affirm my commitment, over and over, to my ever-shifting path.