I wanted to say goodbye to some old feelings. A couple of weeks ago, I underwent a series of realisations – and since then I’ve been finally able to let go of those emotions, needs and that person that were holding me like hot tarmac to the ground, unable to move either forwards or backwards. In brief, I was seeking closure, but believed this could only come from the other person. A significant ex – say no more.
Since then I’ve come to understand that it’s not anyone else’s job to bring me closure, say the right things, or otherwise help me out with this. I’ve enjoyed amazing support from some wonderful friends, not to mention my partner, but at the end of the day the only thing that could enable me to move on was a shift in my own mind, a realisation that all this time I’ve been basing my own mental wellbeing, the health of my now relationship, possibly my own self worth on whether this person will offer me forgiveness and friendship.
*I bought this pocketknife for you, don’t you use it?*
I was handing the key to my own health and happiness to someone who Just Did Not Want It, and for why? I was dependent within that relationship; I realised I was still dependent without it. I know because he told me so. Sad that I should need to be told, but there we go. And the feeling, when I’d processed that pretty harsh telling? Relief, and an incredible sense of happiness and freedom.
I had some homemade wine, saved from that previous life. A tiny bottle of elderflower. Why was I saving it? Well, I couldn’t drink it, and neither could I throw it away.
*I bought this bottle here for you, can’t you drink it?*
I always had this idea that he and I would have an opportunity to share it – to look back on our past and laugh at ourselves, to toast our enduring friendship. Today, packing to move house, I realised I couldn’t carry it with me. And I wondered how it tasted, how it had matured. I cracked it open, rolled a cigarette, and drew three cards to say goodbye.
Four of Wands – Two of Cups – Knight of Swords (all reversed)
I’ve come a long way, and the road has been hard. I’ve been through violent anger, denial, defiance, angst, upset, hope – dashed then renewed, and a hundred other things. But now I finally feel free. Had my hope to keep our friendship and unique connection alive prevented me from sharing myself fully with others? I know so. My goodbye to all that allows me to open up again, to embrace the connections I’d been shying away from, to re-embrace true friendships. A recent outburst of stuff-you-keep-locked-up to a good good friend showed me how much I’d been holding back from my friends in recent years – I’m ready to do that Two of Cups thing again and share myself fully with those I love and who love me. In fact, it’s already begun. And the Knight – well, he confirms the sense in my moving on. He represents grudges, persistence, single-mindedness…an energy I want to release, have released. Seeing him here reminds me of the qualities I don’t want right now, and strengthens my resolve to be free from those old feelings. I know they came from places of pain as well as of love – and there’s no room in my life any more for those.
So back to my Four of Wands. I’ve always interpreted this card as a well-earned rest, where the work continues tomorrow. Perhaps here, reversed, it coaxes me from that feeling of temporary celebration. I’ve been there too many times before. This is about a new state of mind, a real new beginning. I’m happy to celebrate, but not to continue the fight when the party is over.
The wine is good – it’s sweeter than I remember and makes me feel giggly and a little woozy. It was made on the 10th July 2007. Four years later it’s elderflower time again, and tomorrow I’ll make a new batch.
*Lyrics are from Say Goodbye, by the awesome Throwing Muses.
I’m a 30-something writer, artist, tarot reader, and perpetual explorer of the space between thought, feeling, and action.
I believe that spirituality and ritual are for everybody. I’m about the journey, in all of its messy, non-linear, chaotic iterations. I am excited by anticapitalist business and living with my whole entire self present. I use tarot cards to bring forth hidden truth, and ritual to affirm my commitment, over and over, to my ever-shifting path.