Resolutions, revolutions

New year’s eve was perfect.

A few friends, a familiar home, a fire. A heady punch, some fizz and some food.

My love guided us through a simple exercise – we offered up three things we wished to release, three things for which we we were grateful and three more to celebrate right now, then three things we wished to invite into our lives for 2013.

Those which were passing, we burned in the fire – there was a brief bright moment as the flames took our discarded, outdated ways of being…and they were gone.

New year's resolutions tarot

Heartfelt discussions followed each contribution.

There were tears and words of comfort and support. Fears and demons and stumbling blocks were shared – we found we were not alone in many of these and we heard how others overcame them. What each person invited into their lives that night seemed to enter the room – or perhaps we created it there between ourselves – showing us that our dreams were real and our hopes were valid.

Later, a moonlit walk to Gaddings Dam – a place that is special to me ten times over and becomes more so every time I visit. Stumbling down the muddy hillside, tipsy and giggling and in love and feeling the freedom of possibility that comes with knowing that it’s okay to climb to the tops of the moors in the small hours of the morning and that my life is really 100% mine to live as I please.

On new year’s day, Emma and I went to the seaside.

It was a bright, clear day and Scarborough was filled with people and children and dogs. Everything felt so fresh and …just lovely. I can’t find a better word. It was lovely. It was like nobody was thinking about work or hardship or the everyday troubles of living – we were all just happy to be in the world, feeling the chilled warmth of that winter sunshine, standing and walking on the edge of the land, talking, throwing sticks, looking out at the North Sea, feeling the inarguable constancy of that calm, cold water and gearing up for the year ahead.

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It’s been an interesting year.

I feel (almost) unique in having had such a wonderful one – for most people I know 2012 has been tough, tough tough. There has been a lot of loss and heartbreak, a lot of pain, a lot of exhaustion. For those people I wish peace, warmth, love, solidity, a place of comfort and renewed confidence.

Meanwhile, here are my new year’s resolutions:

To be self-employed by the end of this year

To stop interrupting people

To move my ideas forwards; to see projects through to their conclusion when I really want to

To stop being afraid of/proud about money

To learn self-discipline

To stop chewing my fingers

To be fearless; to know that I have nothing to lose in the ventures I wish wholeheartedly to make

To do something brilliant for my home town

I’ve had success with resolutions in the past, but that has been when they constitute to-do lists which I can steadily work through, ticking off my achievements as I go. This year is different. In 2013 I need a change in the way I actually live my life. It’s still practical – the things I need to do are about action and creation – but they require a lot of internal work on my part.

Like many people I’m prone to procrastination – mainly borne out of a lack of self-confidence that my ideas are really that worth pursuing. If I’m not sure something’s going to be brilliant, I have a tendency to give up in the early stages. But that attitude isn’t going to cut it this year. I need to believe that my ideas are brilliant, and that if I don’t act, I’m not living my own life. That I can mess about on my computer for hours on end but only if I really think it’s okay not to be out there making the life I want come true.

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The Wheel of Fortune, from the Wild Unknown Tarot by Kim Krans

Biddy writes in her guide to the tarot that “the Wheel of Fortune suggests that you should not simply stand still and accept what life hands you.” :

The Wheel of Fortune speaks of a pivotal point in your life, where new options become possible. The appearance of the Wheel of Fortune shows that change is not only likely to happen, it is certain to happen, and soon. Generally the change shown in the Wheel of Fortune is a dramatic change from the established order. These changes are distinctly personal and may require making a first step on a new and unfamiliar path. You may also need to alter your present course, move things in a different direction or turn things around to ensure that you are creating the right outcomes in your life.

Biddy Tarot

The Magician and the Ace of Wands will be my ‘get on and do it’ totems for 2013, but I’ll also need a dose of the wondeful Wheel of Fortune – a sense of destiny arising from taking responsibility for bringing about change in my life and facing down the difficult bits without giving up.

I want to grab the wheel with both hands, myself, and turn it, and feel it cranking to life as cogs turn and I’m suddenly seeing end experiencing everything from a different angle. I want this card’s vision, strength, self-determination and willingness to change, and to experience a profound, personal revolution in my life.

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