Last year, like every new year, I made a bunch of hefty new year’s resolutions.

And boy did I see them through…to the exclusion of much that I love in my life.

In a nutshell, I resolved to work hard. Nothin’ wrong with that, and I was really looking forward to it all! But beneath all that exciting stuff, I said repeatedly to myself, throughout the first months of 2013, that I probably wouldn’t have much fun, I probably wouldn’t see my friends, I probably wouldn’t have much of a life. I thought that if I didn’t ‘prepare’ myself like that, that I would fail.

And I put so much damn intent into it that I made all that come true.

…completely uneccesarily. Yes, I started a business – that was amazing. And of course it was hard work. And I bought a narrowboat – a DIY project if ever I’ve had one (I hadn’t).

So of course my year was going to be a busy one, and perhaps more hardworking than any before. But I didn’t need to exclude everything else in my life. I got so caught up in my ‘goals’ that I lost track of who I actually was.

As the months went by, I gradually stopped seeing friends, stopped going out, stopped going up hills, stopped contributing to the communities I value, stopped laughing and drinking and generally chilling the heck out. I stopped reading tarot too.

The result?

As the end of the year approached, I felt agitated, unsure of myself, defensive, lost.

And I couldn’t actually enjoy the things I had achieved – the business, the boat, they had become problems, curses, enemies. Friends came for new year – it should have been a boatwarming, a midwinter feast, merrymaking in the face of cold weather, a re-setting of the confidence buttons buoyed up by the love of good people. But I couldn’t relax into it. I felt so far from my self that I struggled to be present.

So I won’t be making any resolutions this year.

Whilst I’m astounded (and impressed) by the power of my intent last year, and I’m sure I could ‘harness that power for good’ in 2014, I want to try something different. I’m a little tired of ‘new starts’, ‘new me’s’, new plans. For now, I just want to potter along without pressure.

That doesn’t mean I don’t want to make changes.

Without resolving, I am hoping to do more of what I love – that means tarot, walking, cycling, photography, seeing my friends.

It means having fun, it means being myself. It means putting the heart back into every moment so I know that it’s my life I’m living and my choices I’m making.

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