Last year, like every new year, I made a bunch of hefty new year’s resolutions.
And boy did I see them through…to the exclusion of much that I love in my life.
In a nutshell, I resolved to work hard. Nothin’ wrong with that, and I was really looking forward to it all! But beneath all that exciting stuff, I said repeatedly to myself, throughout the first months of 2013, that I probably wouldn’t have much fun, I probably wouldn’t see my friends, I probably wouldn’t have much of a life. I thought that if I didn’t ‘prepare’ myself like that, that I would fail.
And I put so much damn intent into it that I made all that come true.
…completely uneccesarily. Yes, I started a business – that was amazing. And of course it was hard work. And I bought a narrowboat – a DIY project if ever I’ve had one (I hadn’t).
So of course my year was going to be a busy one, and perhaps more hardworking than any before. But I didn’t need to exclude everything else in my life. I got so caught up in my ‘goals’ that I lost track of who I actually was.
As the months went by, I gradually stopped seeing friends, stopped going out, stopped going up hills, stopped contributing to the communities I value, stopped laughing and drinking and generally chilling the heck out. I stopped reading tarot too.
As the end of the year approached, I felt agitated, unsure of myself, defensive, lost.
And I couldn’t actually enjoy the things I had achieved – the business, the boat, they had become problems, curses, enemies. Friends came for new year – it should have been a boatwarming, a midwinter feast, merrymaking in the face of cold weather, a re-setting of the confidence buttons buoyed up by the love of good people. But I couldn’t relax into it. I felt so far from my self that I struggled to be present.
So I won’t be making any resolutions this year.
Whilst I’m astounded (and impressed) by the power of my intent last year, and I’m sure I could ‘harness that power for good’ in 2014, I want to try something different. I’m a little tired of ‘new starts’, ‘new me’s’, new plans. For now, I just want to potter along without pressure.
That doesn’t mean I don’t want to make changes.
Without resolving, I am hoping to do more of what I love – that means tarot, walking, cycling, photography, seeing my friends.
It means having fun, it means being myself. It means putting the heart back into every moment so I know that it’s my life I’m living and my choices I’m making.
I’m a 30-something writer, artist, tarot reader, and perpetual explorer of the space between thought, feeling, and action.
I believe that spirituality and ritual are for everybody. I’m about the journey, in all of its messy, non-linear, chaotic iterations. I am excited by anticapitalist business and living with my whole entire self present. I use tarot cards to bring forth hidden truth, and ritual to affirm my commitment, over and over, to my ever-shifting path.