I realise that I am stuck in a rut right now.
I realise that I’m uncharacteristically inert. Between buying a boat and becoming self-employed – both of which on the outside look like very busy, very ‘doing’ things, part of myself has slipped away, leaving me feeling kinda blank.
Which part? The part that feel JOY, all the time, which constantly LOOKS for joy and then goes at it full-pelt. Where is that part? Somewhere along the line, my confidence has taken a nose-dive and forgot to keep looking for the joy.
Joy is a self-fulfilling prophecy. In seeking it I find it, in finding it, I am compelled to go grab some more.
What things give me joy? Off the top of my head:
- Riding my bike
- Doing random things.
- Going out drinking with my mates.
- Starting new projects.
And yet I don’t DO these things. Not right now. For some reason I’m afraid. For the first time in my life I’m afraid. So I was sitting there, thinking how I needed to kick myself up the ass. And then Bridget texted. She’s cooking. It will be on the food in 45 minutes. Do I want any. Yes I do. Over I go.
I lie in the bath with a glass of wine shouting to Bridget as she cooks practically in the same room and convince myself it’s as simple as grabbing back the joy. STOP being scared START being normal again DO make myself get on the bike when it seems easier to sit in my boat on the computer and DO realise that I am still 100% free despite the responsibilities I’ve invited into my life.
She did me a Thoth reading. It was unavoidably good – at the centre was The Fool crossed by the Ten of Wands.
Do one thing well.
I am always saying that, and never doing it. My butterfly mind has got the better of me lately and instead of that being an exciting thing, it’s become overwhelming. Here is the Ten of Wands. So many ideas, so many ‘yesses’, such a sensation of burden. Am I really burdened? Not at all! Is there a better way to carry those wands? You bet. Can I just put them down for a moment and run around a bit and have a drink and a laugh? Yeah!
Okay then, thanks.
Now I just gotta do it. Excuse me while I go create a tarot spread to figure out how.
I’m a 30-something writer, artist, tarot reader, and perpetual explorer of the space between thought, feeling, and action.
I believe that spirituality and ritual are for everybody. I’m about the journey, in all of its messy, non-linear, chaotic iterations. I am excited by anticapitalist business and living with my whole entire self present. I use tarot cards to bring forth hidden truth, and ritual to affirm my commitment, over and over, to my ever-shifting path.